It's easy to see how ridiculous that is, but it's become natural for women to talk like that. It only seems ridiculous when it's taken out of the context we're accustomed to.
I learned some humbling, very real life lessons that changed my perspective during a family trip to a nearby water park ... and it hurts.
They were two women sitting in the hotel hot tub, their daughters playing in the splash pad area near by were all pink bathing suits, pig tails and Barbie dolls in the water.
The two young moms who I had JUST judged in my mind for wearing (in my self righteous opinion at the time) some awfully revealing and sexy bathing suits in a family pool, were talking about ME.
You can tell when there is hushed conversation, looks in your direction and giggles. They could have been talking about anything from my "mom style" black bathing suit to my wintery white legs...I don't know what it was, but they did.
It made me feel horrible in so many ways, but also made me think of the positive reminders I wanted to take away from it... here's at least 5:
1. No one elected me judge!
I judged them and they judged me. Isn't this just a grown up version of bullying? Tearing each other down with our eyes or words, directly or indirectly.
Did I see these moms as young women, worthy of love, worthy of worth or did I see their clothing choices and automatically think I knew their souls and had the right to judge?
I'm embarrassed to say I saw the bathing suits and made a whole lot of assumptions. I tore them down to do what, make myself feel better (perhaps for my own overly covered swimsuit!). It's a vicious cycle.
This is why I WISH I had someone tell me when I was young what power words had - whether whispered or shouted. Which leads me to #2...
2. Taking my own self worth in others' opinions is a slippery slope.
I wish I'd learned in my early years what negative power taking your self worth in others' opinions had. If I worked hard on putting together a cute outfit or doing my hair and no one said anything nice about it, would it be an incredible disappointment? Usually yes. But if I did those thing for myself it wouldn't matter what anyone said.
Did I then react negatively and talk about others to make me feel better about myself?
Probably yes.
The cycle of making myself feel better based on others' opinions of me really affected by own body image.
The researchers at Beauty Redefined found.
"Poor body image affects female progress and happiness in every way, from greater incidences of depression, anxiety, and disordered eating to wasted time, energy, and valuable resources spent on the self-objectifying preoccupation with appearance. Self-objectification is the direct result of poor body image... It leads to diminished mental and athletic performance, body, and these negative consequences occur among girls and women of all ethnicities. Fortunately, research shows that girls and women who feel OK about their bodies, regardless of what they look like, are more likely to be physically active and make positive health choices. Helping women cultivate positive body image is crucial in the fight against poor body image, self-objectification, and all of the negative health consequences associated with it."
We need to set up our own definitions of beauty, strength, intelligence not based on how others react to us! And that's not easy given our culture...
3. We live in a "people watching" culture with an incredibly negative impact on our own self esteem.
There are some horrible websites out there for the sole purpose of taking photos of people and posting them to be made fun of. I admit I've laughed at some of those, but it's only by dumb luck my worse, most embarrassing moments weren't photographed or at least only witnessed by friends who only occasionally make fun of me.
This recent blog about a woman's experience at the Minnesota State Fair where local radio stations actually developed a bingo card filled with rude stereotypes designed to mock fair attendees said it all to me. She said:
"Other people don't exist for our entertainment.Bingo!
Of course, I'm not totally immune snarky thoughts and judging eyerolls - not by any stretch of the imagination. I've certainly nudged my friends and snickered over, well, a million things.
But I know I can do better. I suspect everyone can do better.
And I imagine that starts by remembering people are more than a spot on a bingo card. "
4. If it looks bad when your kids are doing it it probably looks ridiculous when you do it.
Good Morning America aired a story a few years ago about how a 6-year-old girl was worried about her body image and wanted to be on a diet.
Gasp! What? Horrible, right?
But where have these girls learned this from? We can only blame the media so much when we still buy the magazines covered in unnaturally photoshopped images of women. When we still find ourselves saying, doing and thinking things our kids can only pick up on. Their ability to "sponge" thing from us always surprises me!
In the words of the PSA from my childhood (about drugs, admittedly) but it works here... I learned it by watching you!
5. If we made fun of things that don't fit in just to try and fit in we undo all the positive progress we've made!
Have you heard that statistic about how one bad review about a product or a restaurant has infinitely more impact that hundreds of positive reviews (or something, check, my math!). How is that any different from the words we use speaking about each other.
I want to live like the words in this poem...
Let us be women who make room.Wow!
Let us be women who open our arms and invite others into an honest, spacious, glorious embrace.
One of my favorite authors and social researchers, Brené Brown, talks about fitting in and belonging.
"Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn't require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are. Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us.”It's easy to care about what other people think, but it's how we react to it that matters. She goes on to say:
When you lose your capacity to care what other people think, you’ve lost your ability to connect. But when you’re defined by it, you’ve lost your ability to be vulnerable....vulnerability is the glue that binds relationships together.So what does this mean? Am I now perfectly immune to judging and negative words? I wish.
We work hard at Girls EDGE to avoid all negative self talk and to encourage others, but do I do it in every aspect of my life? Nope.
I'm taking this situation as a challenge to be brave enough to be who I am (mom suit and all!), to love one another by building each other up and not cutting down and to use my words carefully.
It won't be easy just like it wasn't easy to be vulnerable and tell this story, but I pledge to be more aware and check myself and my thinking... as much as my words.
Join me!
Images via, via and here.
